


What I’m Missing

by bluenorth



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Break Up, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-05-31 10:55:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15117881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluenorth/pseuds/bluenorth
Summary: Dylan is Connor’s boyfriend, but not his soulmate.





	What I’m Missing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [liroa15](https://archiveofourown.org/users/liroa15/gifts).



> Dear Liroa, 
> 
> thank you for your prompts! I was torn between writing these three and Leon/Adam/Oscar, but in the end this plot just kind of stuck with me. I hope I did your prompts justice, and that you enjoy this fic. 
> 
> A massive thank you to my beta and chearleader, R, without whom I couldn't have done this, and to the mods for running this lovely exchange.
> 
> Title from _What I'm Missing_ by Bjorn Olson  & Leon Niederberger.

**ONE**

Connor meets Dylan on a drizzly Tuesday. 

It’s the middle of the school year, but nevertheless there’s a new student in the classroom. Connor notices him as soon as he walks in, because the boy is sitting in Connor’s usual spot in the back, by the window, where he can look outside and dream about things that are infinitely more interesting than maths.

Connor’s not happy about it, but he also doesn’t want to be a dick, so he sits down in the seat next to the guy and pulls out his phone.

“Hi, I’m Dylan,” the new kid says. 

Connor wonders if he shouldn’t have taken a bullet and sat in the front row, because he doesn’t want to make friends. He’s got half a year left in this hellhole of a school, where he’s different than everyone and always scared someone will find out about him. He can’t wait to go off to college. Hell, he’d major in maths if it meant he could get out of here sooner.

“I’m Connor,” he says and looks up from his phone. The first thing he really notices is Dylan’s bright, mischievous smile and his pretty eyes.

“Nice to meet you, Connor,” Dylan says.

In hindsight, Connor is glad he didn’t sit elsewhere that day.

 

*

 

Connor finds that having a friend at school isn’t actually that bad. He’s got someone to text during class, someone to sit with in the cafeteria and someone to bring home after school and play Chel with. It makes his mom happy, too, although Connor isn’t sure she would approve of Dylan so much if she knew that his older brother gave him pot that he shares with Connor.

Connor coughs up a lung the first time he tries it, but once he gets the hang of it, he enjoys how it relaxes him. Dylan’s parents are out of town a lot, so their afternoons are often spent in the garden Dylan’s mom doesn’t have the time to tend to. It’s a little wild, especially when spring finally decides to come around and everything starts to grow and blossom again.

By the time summer rolls around and school ends, Connor is over there more often than not. It’s a hot day, but Dylan is mowing the lawn because he lost a bet to his younger brother. Connor wouldn’t mind if Dylan hadn’t decided to take of his shirt. His skin is turning red already, and sweat is running down his back, but Connor can’t look away.

While Dylan works, Connor mindlessly smokes the joint Dylan handed him earlier, while the sun burns in the blue sky above. He listens to lawnmowers motor, humming away, and to the neighbors children who are playing in the pool next door.

After a while, the humming stops and Dylan walks over, drops down next to him and grins. “You gotta get up, I need to mow this patch, too,” he says.

“I don’t want to move,” Connor replies lazily. He’s pretty baked, and it moving even a single inch seems impossible.

“Fair,” Dylan says and rolls onto his back, “I don’t really want to keep going.” He pulls another joint out of the pocket of his shorts and lights it up. 

Connor is contemplating the shape of a lone, perfectly white cloud in the sky. It kind of looks like a dick.

“See that cloud?” Connor asks.

“Yeah,” Dylan replies. 

“Kinda looks like a dick, right?” 

Dylan snorts and nudges Connor’s foot with his own. “No it doesn’t, you’re just high,” he says. 

“So are you!” Connor protests and points up at the cloud. “See? Those are the balls. You need to tilt your head a bit.”

“Okay, okay. You’re right, it’s a dick-cloud,” Dylan says, laughing. He hands his joint over to Connor, who takes a long drag, feels the smoke in his lungs. 

“Are you gay?” Dylan asks suddenly, and Connor has a coughing fit. 

“What?” he asks, in between coughs, trying to cover up how scared he is. He never should have gotten used to having this.

Dylan looks at him calmly. “It’s just- I am, so. I was just wondering about you. You never talk about girls or fucking them, you know, not like the other guys I know.”

Connor’s brain seems stuck. “Uh, you are- you’re gay too?” He asks, belatedly realizing that he’s just outed himself. It’s terrifying, but if Dylan is gay, then maybe he’ll be okay.

“Yeah, dude,” Dylan says. “Thought that was fairly obvious.”

“Nope, not to me.”

Dylan shrugs. “Maybe you’ve just got a shit radar.”

“Maybe,” Connor says. He’d probably be worried that everyone can tell he’s gay, and the feeling is there, but it doesn’t feel urgent, here and now. He hands Dylan the joint and their fingers brush.

“Ever kissed a guy before?” Dylan asks.

Connor shakes his head. Nobody knows about him, and he doesn’t have the faintest idea how to go about finding someone to kiss.

“Well, do you wanna?” Dylan sounds serious when he asks, and Connor finally realizes what this is all about.

“Oh my God, yes,” he says.

Kissing Dylan is a little awkward at first and absolutely brilliant once they get the hang of it, and Connor doesn’t want this summer to ever end.

 

*

 

Connor doesn’t exactly have a frame of reference, but he thinks Dylan is really good at giving head. Connor’s fear of completely sucking at it is somewhat mitigated by the noises Dylan is making, and by how quickly he comes. So maybe he’s okay at sex. That’s something.

“That was awesome,” Dylan says, sweaty and out of breath. He pulls Connor close for a kiss, and Connor blushes at the thought of Dylan tasting himself in Connor’s mouth.

“Thought I’d return the favor,” Connor says with a grin. He rolls off Dylan and lies on his back. It’s too hot for too much skin on skin.

“You’re a good boyfriend,” Dylan laughs, and lies on his side so he can look at Connor. His eyes wander, as they tend to do, and as always it makes Connor feel a bit awkward. 

“You’re not bad yourself.” 

They’ve been doing this for over three months now, but the concept of having a boyfriend is still really new, mostly because Connor never expected it to happen before he went off to university, and because nobody knows about them yet. Connor hasn’t found the courage to tell his parents yet, but he wants to do it soon.

They lie in silence for a while and Dylan’s fingers draw idle patterns into Connor’s skin.

“What’s this?” Dylan asks quietly, and his fingers stop, faintly touching a spot just above Connor’s left hip bone. 

Connor knows it well. His mark, a faint, white circle, is barely noticeable unless he gets really tan. His mother told him it would develop when he met his soulmate, but sometimes Connor doubts that will ever happen. It’s less common, nowadays, so perhaps his won’t ever turn into a gorgeous, intricate design like the one his parents share.

“It’s my mark,” Connor says, just as quietly. He avoids Dylan’s eyes. “You don’t have one?” 

Dylan pulls his hand away and runs a hand through his hair. “No. Nobody in my family carries the gene,” he explains. “Guess I’m not one of the lucky 10 percent.” 

Connor shakes his head. “I’m not sure that we’re so lucky,” he says.

“Why? You know there’s someone out there who’s exactly right for you. All you need to do is find them,” Dylan says. 

Connor used to dream about the day he’d meet his mate. He used to hope, every time he met someone new, that they’d be the one.

Since he met Dylan, those dreams have faded to something he barely thinks about anymore.

“What if I don’t want to?”

 

*

 

Summer ends and Connor’s things get packed up into boxes. Dylan helps him load them into the car, and after, Dylan pulls him back into his room in the basement that looks weirdly empty now, and fucks him on Connor’s bed that somehow feels too small. 

“I wish you were coming with me,” Connor says, not for the first time. He knows Dylan doesn’t want to study, that he’s got different dreams. He’ll take over the family business with his brothers, built it up into something big. 

“I’ll come visit you all the time,” Dylan promises. Toronto isn’t that far, but Connor still dreads the thought of not seeing Dylan practically every day.

“If you meet him,” Dylan starts, then shuts Connor up with a kiss before he can protest. “If you do, I just- I want you to be happy.

“You make me happy,” Connor says. “You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and my soulmate can’t compete with that.” 

Dylan nods, but Connor can see that he doesn’t believe him.

“I love you,” Connor whispers. He hasn’t had the courage to say it yet, but he’s felt it for a while, and Dylan needs to know how much he means to Connor. 

This time, Dylan’s smile is real, and he kisses Connor fiercely, until they’re both out of breath.

“I love you, too,” Dylan mumbles. 

Connor presses his face against the crook of Dylan’s neck and breathes him in, committing the smell to memory.

 

  
**TWO**

Connor meets Leon on a windy Saturday.

Autumn has painted the world in its colors and the dorms have opened their doors again to welcome new and old students alike. Connor’s old roommate transferred to a different university, so he’s expecting a new face, but he’s not prepared for the gorgeous guy he finds when he gets to his room. He looks like a model, with a stylish haircut and a well-groomed beard.

When he turns towards Connor, his smile is wide and genuine.

“Hi,” Connor says and drops his bags on the free bed. “You must be my new roomie.” His roommate has taken up the left side of the room, which suits Connor just fine. He prefers the other side, anyway. 

“Yes, I am. I’m Leon, and I’m here for a year to study abroad,” Leon says, and Connor detects an accent that he can’t quite place. 

“I’m Connor, second year, getting my degree in biology,” Connor says. He holds out his hand for Leon to shake. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“You, too,” Leon says and takes Connor’s hand. Leon’s palm feels warm against Connor’s, and something inside him doesn’t want to ever let go.

In hindsight, Connor should have known, then and there, that his life would never be the same.

 

*

 

Leon turns out to be a lot more fun than Connor’s old roommate. They get along splendidly. Connor shows Leon around on campus and around town and Leon tells Connor stories of home and shares all the treats that arrive in a care package only a few days after Leon has arrived. Talking to Leon is easy, it’s comforting, like they’ve known each other for many years. 

Connor wakes up every morning to Leon doing push-ups in the middle of the room and it’s a hell of a view. He snuck a pic and sent it to Dylan, who insists on referring to Leon as Adonis now.

One day, a few weeks into the semester, Connor blinks awake and, sure enough, Leon is where he alway is at this time, only there’s a tattoo on his right shoulder that wasn’t there the day before. It’s an intricate spiral, going outwards from a black dot in the middle, with ornaments branching off to fill the spaces in between the lines. 

Connor blinks. Leon didn’t mention he was getting a tattoo, and the ink doesn’t look fresh at all. It takes his brain a few more seconds, but when Connor finally realizes what it is, he sits up quickly.

“Leon, your mark came in,” he says.

Leon, mid push-up, turns his head to the side, looking confused. “My what came in?”

“Your soul mark, you know. On your shoulder,” Connor replies. He can’t help staring at it. It looks beautiful. 

Leon understands, this time, and jumps up off the ground and crosses the room to stand in front of the small mirror that hangs on the wall next to the door. 

“Holy shit,” he says, as he examines the mark on his shoulder, touching it carefully, a smile spreading across his features. “I can’t believe it. I’ve been waiting for this for so long.”

He turns around and beams at Connor.

“Do you know who it is?”

Leon’s smile fades a bit. “I kind of think it’s you,” he says, carefully.

Connor wishes he hadn’t asked.

“Me?”

“Yeah. I mean, I’m not sure, but-“

Connor pushes aside the blanket he’s still under and gets out of the bed. His hands are shaky as he pulls up the old t-shirt he sleeps in, Dylan’s t-shirt, to reveal his abdomen. 

The white circle above his hip has filled in, and grown into a spiral, the same mark that’s on Leon’s shoulder.

Tears shoot into Connor’s eyes. This isn’t what he wants. He never wanted to find his soulmate, because he didn’t want to let them down. “Fuck,” he says, and presses the heels of his hand against his eyes. 

“It’s you,” Leon says, his voice full of joy. Connor hears it, and he feels it, Leon’s excitement and happiness, bleeding into Connor’s own sorrow. 

Leon takes a few steps towards Connor, but he too must realize that something’s off. 

“Are you alright?”

Connor can’t do this. Leon’s confusion grows, fused with concern for Connor, and Connor doesn’t know how to explain why he’s ruining this. 

He looks at Leon for a moment. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers, and then bolts out of the room.

 

*

 

Connor doesn’t know how to tell Dylan, so he puts it off. It’s easy enough for now, with the distance between them. There’s no distance between him and Leon, so Connor explains that he has a boyfriend who he doesn’t want to leave. 

Leon understands. “This can be platonic,” he says, “not all soulmates are lovers, I think.” 

Connor breathes a sigh of relief, but it doesn’t last long. 

Having a soulmate is so much more than Connor expected it to be. Leon’s emotions are his constant companion, but sometimes they’re indistinguishable from his own. At first, he thinks the love and longing inside his heart is Leon’s, and he fights it, tries to push it away. It doesn’t work.

Leon is sensitive and he doesn’t try to convince Connor that they should be more, but he can’t hide his feelings, no matter how hard he tries. He’s hurting, and Connor hates himself for being the cause of that.

He hates himself for wanting Leon, too. He wants to spend time with him, he wants to play silly pranks on the guys across the hall with him, wants to listen to his stories about home, wants to curl up against him and be still and allow the connection between them to blossom.

He wants to kiss Leon, wants Leon to fuck him until Connor falls apart in his arms. 

It’s not fair. It’s not fair to Leon, it’s not fair to Dylan, and Connor doesn’t know what to do.

 

*

 

Connor goes home for Christmas break and it takes Dylan a single look to realize how wrong everything is. 

“I want you to be happy. I want you to be whole,” Dylan says, as he breaks up with Connor. 

Connor wants to say, but he doesn’t. It’s not fair to Dylan. 

Leon can feel his heartbreak. Leon wants to be with him now, to console him and share his pain. Connor misses him and is guilty for it.

He wakes up in the middle of the night and finds a text from Leon. Connor senses his presence before he reads it and makes his way up the stairs as quickly and quietly as he can to let him in. He takes Leon’s hand and leads him back into his room, where Leon wraps him up in a long hug and Connor finally allows himself to fall apart. 

Leon holds him together and his comfort pours into Connor’s heart and makes it easier to breathe. 

It takes a while before Connor begins to be the soulmate that Leon deserves. A few weeks into the new year, they’re back in Toronto and Connor kisses Leon while they’re watching a movie on Connor’s shitty, old laptop. Happiness hums through his entire body, and he wants more of this. He doesn’t have to say it for Leon to know.

Leon explores Connor’s body and knows every part of it that makes Connor more aroused. He opens him up and fucks him hard, exactly the way Connor needs it, fucks him through his orgasm and muffles Connor’s moans with his lips. He fills Connor with his come, and holds him in his arms after, while both their heartbeats slow down. 

“I love you,” Connor says, and tries to pretend that he doesn’t miss Dylan, too. It’s not fair to Leon.

Leon kisses him gently and whispers again, “It’s okay. I understand,” while the bond between them shares with every bit of love he has for Connor. 

  
  


**THREE**

On a sunny Monday, Connor comes back from class and walks into his room to find Leon and Dylan waiting for him. Connor stops in the doorway and stares at them. He has no idea what the hell is going on, but instead of asking for an explanation, he looks at Dylan and says, “Your hair is different.”

Dylan runs a hand through his hair. It’s shorter than it was the last time Connor saw him, and it’s blond. “Yeah, I felt like I needed a change,” Dylan says with a careful smile. 

“We’d like to talk to you about something,” Leon cuts in. Connor tries to get a read on his emotions, but they’re messy and he can’t hold onto them long enough to really identify where Leon is at. 

“Okay,” Connor says, and sits down on the edge of his bed. 

Leon looks at Dylan, and Dylan looks at Leon. Neither of them starts talking.

“What’s going on?” Connor asks, impatiently. He hates not knowing what’s going on, it makes him feel horribly unprepared. 

“I got in touch with Dylan a few weeks ago,” Leon says. “I wanted to get to know him. I know you’ve been trying to hide it, but I feel how much you miss him sometimes, and I don’t want you to feel torn between us anymore.”

Connor wonders what it was like, Leon and Dylan’s first meeting. He knows them both so well, knows how different they are. They’re from two completely different parts of his life, and the idea of them just meeting up in a coffee shop or a restaurant seems ludicrous.

“We’d like to propose that the three of us try to be together,” Leon says. 

“What?” Connor asks, too loudly, because this is so far from what he expected, he’s not sure whether he should laugh at it or not. He doesn’t, because he can feel that Leon is dead serious, but Connor isn’t sure how any of this would even work. And he has no idea how Dylan feels about it.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asks Dylan.

Dylan shrugs. “I don’t really know how I can fit into this,” he says, gesturing between Connor and Leon, “but I fucking miss you, and I’m willing to give it a shot.”

 

*

 

As easy as it was for Connor to be with Dylan, and then with Leon, it’s incredibly hard to be with both of them.

The first time Connor kisses Dylan in front of Leon, he gets hit by a wave of jealousy so strong, he has trouble not saying anything. Leon tries to tone it down pretty much immediately, but he’s not very good at it. 

Dylan isn’t any better, and Connor doesn’t need a soulbond with him to be able to tell that he’s struggling. He comes to visit them in Toronto every other week, but it’s not enough time spent together, no matter how often they Facetime.

When he’s with them, no matter how hard Connor and Leon try to hide it, Dylan seems to sense whenever they share their emotions through their bond. Sometimes he just goes quiet, other times he excuses himself and doesn’t come back for a few hours. It drives Connor nuts.

“It’s okay,” Leon says, the third time Dylan walks out on them, “go talk to him.” 

Connor finds Dylan on a bench not far from student housing. He’s looking off into the distance, without really seeing anything. He startles slightly when Connor says, “Can we walk for a bit?” 

“Sure,” Dylan says and gets up. 

They walk in silence for a few minutes, while Connor tries to find the right thing to say. He fails to come up with anything, so he decides to just be honest.

“Listen, Dyls,” he says, “I know this is hard for you, but I don’t know how to make it easier.”

“I know,” Dylan says. 

“So what can I do?”

Dylan lets out a frustrated sigh. 

“I don’t know, Connor. You can’t exactly stop having a soulbond with someone who isn’t me, can you? I hate that it couldn’t just have been me. I hate that he’s such a good guy. I hate that I like him. I hate that I never know how you feel.” The words come out of Dylan’s mouth quick and sharp. 

Connor has no idea what to say to that. There was a time when he wished that Dylan was his soulmate, but he doesn’t wish for it anymore. Still, he doesn’t want to lose Dylan, not again, and the thought makes him anxious, but at the same time, Leon’s calm, comforting presence pushes the anxiety back down. 

Connor takes Dylan’s hand. 

“So ask me how I feel.”

Dylan looks at where their hands are joined together, and then at Connor.

“How do you feel?”

“I love you. And I love him. You’re not less to me than him, Dyls. And he’s not less to me than you. I love you both, and I need you both, because I can’t go through life missing either one of you.”

Dylan takes a deep breath. Then, he squeezes Connor’s hand, and says, “Okay.”

 

*

 

“You’re not jealous of him anymore,” Connor says. He’s pressed up against Leon’s side, head resting on Leon’s chest. They’ve just hung up on their call with Dylan and the thought suddenly occurred to Connor.

Leon kisses the top of his head. “I haven’t been jealous of him for a long time, babe,” he says, and Connor realizes he can’t really remember the last time he sensed that emotion coming from Leon.

“Why?” Connor asks.

“I know how you feel about me, Con. And how you feel about him. I know I don’t have any reason to be jealous,” Leon says.

“It’d be nice if Dylan knew that, too,” Connor mumbles.

“It’s harder for him,” Leon says, “he only has our word to go on, and the distance doesn’t make it any easier, which is why I think we should move in together.”

Connor lifts his head up and looks at Leon questioningly. Leon just smiles at him, and that’s when Connor realizes that, within the love he feels for Dylan, without him noticing, Leon has also grown to love him.

“Oh,” Connor says, a smile spreading over his features as well. 

“Let’s call him again,” Leon suggests, and reaches for his phone.

 

*

 

Dylan makes an arrangement with his brothers that allows him to work remotely, and the three of them move into an apartment not too far away from campus. It’s small, the furniture is an odd mix of things they’ve been given by friends and family, the walls desperately need a new coat of paint, but it’s theirs, and that’s what makes it perfect.

Not too long after they move in, Connor comes home to find Leon and Dylan all tangled up on the couch, making out like horny teenagers, and he just stops and watches for a moment.

“Welcome home, honey,” Dylan says, grinning. His lips are red and there’s a hickey forming on his neck.

Leon’s pushes himself up so he can look at Connor over the back of the couch, too, and asks, “Are you just going to stand there, or are you joining us?”

Connor laughs and walks to kiss his boyfriends hello.

Sometimes, it’s hard to believe that he got this lucky.


End file.
